Thank you for purchasing the forty-fifth volume! A ramen shop opened up near my house, so I went to check it out. Since I found a menu outside that said “a set of ramen noodles with half a portion of Chinese-style stir-fried rice,” I rushed over with such impetus that I almost ripped off the noren*, as if I were going to slide in.
There are many sets in this world, but I only recognize the one with ramen noodles and half a portion of Chinese fried rice, and the musical duo Chage & Aska. Since it’s newly opened, there were a lot of people in the joint, and I was told: “We apologize, but due to the fact that we’re very busy, we can’t prepare the half portion of Chinese stir-fried rice”.
So, I thought, ‘It’s not for nothing that this is the Chage & Aska of the ramen world. Their tickets sold out immediately’. Only I wasn’t interested in Aska singing alone, because I wanted to savour the complete harmony of the duo. So, I was about to leave, when a waiter told me to wait a moment and that they could prepare a plate of Chinese-style stir-fried rice even if it was not possible to serve a half portion. He basically told me that a set of Chage & Aska was impossible, but a set of Aska & Aska was feasible. For me, it would have been like getting slapped on both cheeks. Who would want to eat something that weighs down their stomach?! I wanted to savour Aska’s voice mixed with Chage’s sigh going ‘Fuh’ or ‘Hah’. They shouldn’t have underestimated Chage so much. First of all, what language do they speak? What does it mean, ‘Even if Chage didn’t come because he’s busy, there’s Aska’? If it’s possible to prepare a whole portion of Chinese-style stir-fried rice, even half of it shouldn’t be a problem. If Aska has some free time, Chage should be a little busy too. They shouldn’t underestimate Chage.
But that waiter may have advised me to have a normal portion of Chinese stir-fried rice after seeing my ugly, swollen belly… he must have thought, “How dare he force himself to say he wants a half portion? I can’t just watch!” So, I put my hand back in my pocket ready to slap him and, trying to calm down, I told him: “I’m fat, but I’m a half-fat person who can only eat a half portion of Chinese-style stir-fried rice. Since I don’t want to leave stuff on my plate, could you please split the normal portion in half?” Then the waiter replied, “Well, I can’t give you special treatment, sir…”
*Tent placed at the entrance of a shop or restaurant.
Well, if I asked for a half portion of Chinese-style stir-fried rice when there is no set with half a portion of such rice, I could see that I was demanding the impossible. Or if “half” of “half a portion of Chinese stir-fried rice” indicated a legendary ingredient that bears fruit once every hundred years on a cliff in an unexplored region of China, impossible to catch without bungee jumping with a rope made from ramen noodles… I would understand what they were saying. But they don’t. The word ‘half’ means ‘half’. Besides, it was they, the group of half conmen, who caught a half-fat guy like me writing that you can eat a half portion of Chinese-style stir-fried rice. And then, when I asked them, they were half-smiling even though there was no half portion. The waiter had a face that seemed to say: “Manager, there’s an annoying wolverine!”, so he said to me: “I can’t give special treatment only to you, sir… otherwise we’ll be forced to give it to other customers as well…”.
But what’s inappropriate about this request? What’s wrong with other customers asking for a set with half a portion of Chinese stir-fried rice? Listen up! Have you ever studied arithmetic? Eh, have you? Well, then first of all, split Aska, whom you’re now wok-frying, in half. You have to split her. That’s right! Take your time and don’t rush! Now, I want to ask you something. Who is it? Yeah, it’s Chage! So, if I put this Chage next to a portion of ramen… yes, it’s Chage & Aska! By dividing a portion of Chinese-style stir-fried rice in this way, you can make two sets with half a portion of rice. And so you can set two half-fats, right? Now you have learned something important. Well, then let’s give it the last touch! Split yourselves in two too, you damned half fools!!! I shouted like that in my heart, and stuck my chopsticks into Aska & Aska… I ate it all like it was normal. It seemed slightly unsatisfying to me. By now, that half-fat was nowhere to be found….
CONTACT WITH THE READERS: QUESTION CORNER 125
QUESTION FROM MR. MATCHBOX, SAITAMA PROVINCE
Good morning, Sorachi sensei!
Here’s a question for you. Why doesn’t Sakamoto carry a sword? Since I like him, this fact is close to my heart.
ANSWER:
Because he likes new things.
Sakamoto is also quite good with a sword, but he’s basically a pacifist with a merchant’s character rather than a samurai’s. For this reason, he has little attachment to the sword and prefers a more compact weapon, such as a pistol, to defend himself rather than to attack.
CONTACT WITH THE READERS: QUESTION CORNER 126
QUESTION FROM MR. ” YOU HAVE MANY MARRIED PEOPLE AROUND, BUT YOU DON’T GET MARRIED SO EASILY, SENSEI! (LAUGHTER)”, FROM OSAKA PROVINCE.
You once said that you got the name Gintoki Sakata from Kintoki Sakata, the Kintaro who appears in a folktale. The heroine of the self-contained work Shirokuro is called Tomiko Sakata, so they both have the same surname… Is Gintoki Sakata really from Kintoki Sakata? Or did you actually use your first love’s surname? Eeeh, Sorachi sensei?
ANSWER:
Without a doubt, I got it from Kintaro.
Rather, although I don’t think anyone cares about such a detail, Shirokuro’s Tomiko Sakata is assumed to be a descendant of Kintoki Sakata. Kintaro is famous for defeating an ogre, right? Taking my cue from this episode, in my head was the assumption that his family had been doing this for generations. Even after the decision to make Gintama was made, I couldn’t get that fact out of my head, so I decided to call the main character Gintoki Sakata, changing an ideogram, since it was a hassle to come up with a new name.
CONTACT WITH THE READERS: QUESTION CORNER 127
QUESTION FROM MR. MASTERLESS SAMURAI PROMOTING THE CAMPAIGN AGAINST FOREIGNERS, FROM HOKKAIDO
Good morning, Sorachi sensei! I’m sorry for suddenly writing something like this… When I was in my first year of middle school, I was going to school with my friends, and one of them said he had a stomachache and wanted to poop in a convenience store. To which I said, “We’re going to get to school soon… Just hang in there!” He said, “I’m feeling a bit better now,” and started running towards the school. Then he stopped, pale. I asked him if he was in trouble, and he said, “Don’t worry, it’s out of my system now”. I feel very sorrowful at the very thought of having dissuaded him… What do you think I should do to ease this pain?
ANSWER:
You don’t need to worry about him so much. Everyone grows up with a pain in their heart. Even a friend of mine, when he was in secondary school, got the urge on his way home from school. Only there was no convenience store in my country town, so he disappeared into the bush by himself. Then he came back… without a sock. He had a dominant position, like Gian’s, but from then on he started to be called Socks… In fact, it was only us who called him that. But he also took advantage of this adversity, laughed about it and continued to enjoy a certain popularity in high school. We all fall down when we trip over something or have a poo crawl or two. The problem is how to get back up afterwards and how to wipe your ass. The only thing you can do is not to repent or mock your friend under a moustache like I did, but to gently hand him one of your socks while he looks for a way to wipe his ass, whispering in his ear that toilet paper is not the only way. Not only do good things happen in youth, but there are roads paved with poop. However, I would like you to walk in such a way as to laugh about it in the future… That’s what I want as a man of a certain age covered in poo.
CONTACT WITH THE READERS: QUESTION CORNER: 128
QUESTION FROM MISS “I, HIS DAUGHTER, WOULD LIKE TO MARRY MR. SHINSUKE”, OKAMA PROVINCE
Sorachi sensei, I have a problem in my family: my mother says she wants to marry you! She’s attracted by your sense of humour, and she doesn’t care if you’re a gorilla. I don’t want my parents to break up, nor do I want them to commit any crimes. My family is at risk of disintegration… Help me!
ANSWER:
You don’t want them to commit any crimes? What is your mother trying to do? Your father’s safe and sound, isn’t he? Isn’t he in a freezer? And he’s not trying to put me in a freezer, is he? I wish she’d calm down! I may like married women, but no matter how eccentric I am, I could never get involved with a reader’s mother! Even a gorilla thinks… So give me your daughter in marriage, Dad!
CONTACT WITH THE READERS: QUESTION CORNER 129
QUESTION FROM MR. “OOH, YAMAZAKI-SAN, WHY ARE YOU YAMAZAKI-SAN?” FROM CHIBA PROVINCE
This is the first time I’ve written it, Sorachi sensei! Tama calls some people around her by adding “Mr.”, like “Mr. Gintoki” or “Mrs. Otose”, right? But in the 385th lesson, she also calls Yamazaki “Mr. Yamazaki” … Why is that?
ANSWER:
Since Tama is a robot, her relations with humans are basically those between master and servant, and she is very ceremonious towards her mistress or people who take her side. On the other hand, those who are at odds with the Yorozuya, such as the Shinsengumi, are like pebbles in Tama’s eyes. However, since she knows good manners anyway, Tama was kind to Yamazaki as well. However, practically speaking, to her, Yamazaki is a pebble.
Having said that, volume 45 “How much did you want to eat a half portion of Chinese fried rice?!” ends here.
I’ve written a number of things, but since I can only bully people in monograph volumes, I’ve only been arrogant here. In reality, I’m a fat guy who went to a restaurant, ate one portion of ramen, one portion of Chinese stir-fry rice, and then went home. And that’s it.
And since that’s what happened, if anyone was disgusted by my story, I ask them to forgive me. Please don’t think you want to beat up that fat guy.
I think that in the next issue there will be an upheaval in the work, as various ideas have been accumulating behind the scenes. So look forward to finding out.
See you in the next volume!
New topic: “Beware of the half-portion Chinese fried rice scam.”
Yorozuya Shinigami 